Where My Demons Hide
by MissZatanna
Summary: "He looked down to see himself in his old uniform, crimson and black, and filled with too much nostalgia. He was a boy again, fighting in a war that would never be won, a child playing soldiers; losing himself to everything he feared." Set after 3x06 "Rescue Op"


**AN: I apologize in advance. Set in season 3.**

_God_, she looked beautiful. Her hair was in curls and her dress was just… it looked good on the mannequin but that had nothing on her. He watched anxiously, his heart beating fast in his chest. It was so loud in his ears, the whole church must have heard. He couldn't even smile, his mouth ajar in awe of the woman he was about to marry. He was so goddamn lucky.

He could finally breathe when she came to stand in front of him. His heart slowed down to normal and the corner of his mouth crooked up into a smile. She always knew how to calm him down. _"Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today to join these two adorable lovebirds in a very holy matrimony."_

No. That voice. The purple suit and red lips painted into a simper sent a panicked shock to his heart and his eyes widened at the figure standing between him and Barbara. The man's crooked smile beamed and he tilted his head at the bird in what seemed like fascination, orbs wide and intruding. Dick's stare could only flash to Barbara's panic-stricken eyes as the Joker strode towards him, backing him away from her. "_What's the matter?_" he asked with laughter. _"Having second thoughts?"_

Dick gasped as he tripped over his own two feet and landed on his back, the back of his head bouncing off of the floor, the wind of his breath leaving him feeling waterboarded. Lights flashed behind his closed lids and he would have kept them shut if it weren't for the next set of words in the same hideous tone. _"Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome to Haly's Circus!"_

Dick bolted upright to find that he stood at the very top of the trapeze, looking down at the crowd of one below: the Joker. Barbara was nowhere to be seen and Dick's heart started to beat in an unnatural rhythm, speeding up his breathing as a panic attack ensued. _Okay Grayson, don't panic. Think rationally. Second thing Batman taught you._

_"And for our first act, I give you the Flying Graysons!"_

Dick's eyes widened as he stared across the way. Not again. There they were, his parents, one behind the other, ready to take to the sky. They smiled at him confidently, their little Robin. _"Mom, no!"_ John stepped off of the platform first and swung into action, Mary soon after joining him. This was the part. Dick could remember it clearly in his mind. His mom smiling, her arms outstretched, ready to catch him and never let him fall.

And then the face of panic, despair, sudden realization that this is the end. Dick fell to his knees, clutching the edge of the platform with white knuckles as he squeezed his eyes shut, willing the memories to go away. The gasp of the unseen audience and deafening thuds below told him when it was over.

_"And so!"_ The Joker's laugh echoed through the massive tent. Dick willed himself to open his eyes and regretted the decision immediately. The maniac stood on the opposite platform across the lot clutching Barbara's arm like it was the last thing keeping him alive. _"It's time to say our vows, isn't it Dicky dear?"_

_"It's over, Joker!" _And he noticed that he sounded of a younger time, of red capes and unbridled innocence. He looked down to see himself in his old uniform, crimson and black, and filled with too much nostalgia. He was a boy again, fighting in a war that would never be won, a child playing soldiers; losing himself to everything he feared.

_"Oh, no,"_ was the retort, clear and concise, and sharp. Menacing. _"It's over when I say it's over! Say your vows, Birdy Boy!"_

Dick clenched his teeth together so hard he was surprised they didn't shatter. He knew what was going to happen next. Suddenly he felt a hand on his shoulder and he spun around, his breath catching at the shock of red hair and splatter of freckles. _"Wally,"_ he breathed, reaching out to touch him. The feeling of solid flesh beneath his fingers had Dick shaking.

_"I can't." _

He squeezed his eyes and fisted the speedster's suit in fear. _"It's okay." _ Wally put a hand on Dick's shoulder and turned the bird around, forcing him to face Barbara's fate once more. His eyes widened when they landed on the younger redhead, now clad in her cowl with the all too familiar black and yellow. The Joker pressed into her more now and her eyes searched across the platform for his striking blue, a silent plea bringing him back to reality.

_"Barbara, I vow to be your shelter, to care for you in times of darkness and to celebrate with you in times of joy. To speak when words are needed, and to listen when they are not. I vow to be your best friend because you are mine. I vow to love you in all of your forms, now and forever."_

_"In all of them?"_ Joker's wry smile twisted again and he sighed, a sound almost resembling admiration. _"I did say it was going to be holy…" _The deafening echo of the gunshot pierced Dick everywhere, pulling the breath out of him like a rope of magician's handkerchiefs.

He watched in horror as Barbara's legs started to wobble, her mouth open in a silent scream. Her legs crumpled beneath her and soon she was laying on the platform, closer to the edge, a used rag-doll in a child's game of pretend. Pools of red and yellow stained her outfit; Dick did this to her.

Dick's eyes watered and he dropped to his knees, just watching for something, anything to happen next. It felt as if he was watching the whole ordeal from the audience below, waiting with bated breath to see what the daring Dick Grayson would do next. Her eyes started to close and he found himself shaking his head emphatically, murmuring "no, no, no," over and over again under his breath as if that would stop what was about to happen next.

He watched in horror as her hair floated around her and her cape billowed against the wind skipping across her skin as gravity began to grab at her—an anchor pulling her down into the dark abyss. Her cape wrapped itself around her, a cocoon she would never emerge from. He opened his mouth to scream her name but his voice was replaced with a sinister laugh, purple and green and unhinged.

He curled into himself, arms wrapped around him as if his insides were bound to fall out. Red hot tears streamed down his face and drenched his own suit, his chest searing and gasping for not enough air. He felt Wally's arms engulf him next and the speedster whispered in his ear, _"It's alright. Everything is alright."_

And then he was falling, plummeting to the Earth with his stomach in his chest and his arms outstretched and hoping to catch onto something, anything. He watched the redhead above him disappear, sand being blown at the wind until there was nothing left. "_Wally!"_

_"NO!"_

Dick's eyes opened as he bolted upright out of bed, a sheen of sweat layering his skin and his hair sticking to his forehead. He looked over frantically, letting out a relieved sigh and something akin to a sob as he realized that Barbara was alright, that it was all a dream. He pulled his knees up, resting his elbows on them as he rested his head in his hands, his heart going a million miles an hour and his head swimming in the aftershock. The tears rolled down his eyes uninterrupted. It wasn't just a dream. It was all too real.


End file.
